Friday, October 22, 2010

Unloading.

Honesty: the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness; truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness; freedom from deceit or fraud. (Honestly, this is going to be a long blog.)
Most people probably associate ‘honesty’ as telling someone else the truth. When you are little, you are told that you have to be honest. It’s the best policy, right? As you grow, there are those ‘little white lies’… you know, when your best friend gets a bad haircut and you “fib” just a tad, to spare feelings? Through a lot of soul searching lately, I have realized that oftentimes, I am not honest.
I’m honest in my job. I’m honest in my marriage. But am I honest with myself? More importantly, am I honest with God? How can I not be honest with the Lord, the Master, the King who knows ALL?
I don’t think anyone really reads this blog and that is fine. I need to lay some things out there. If you do read, here is the biggest dose of honesty from me, about me.
 I’m not perfect. I know, I know… no one is, right? There is something though, inside of me that has always wanted to be perfect, or as close as possible. I had visions of being the perfect wife, with adorable, well behaved, smart, talented children. I’d balance a career, making tons of money and home life. I’d be the great room mom, staying up all night making the cute goody bags and cupcakes. Everyone could call on me, because I was the best at it all. I wouldn’t take stuff from people and could stand up for myself.  Did I mention I’d be thin and gorgeous too? I’d have a new car, nice clothes, always wear heels, brand new home my husband and I designed, and take fabulous vacations. I’d inspire people with my faith and rarely doubt.

REAL LIFE: I rarely fix my hair past a pony tail or bun, I never wear heels (anymore), we are renting a duplex, we usually eat fast food, I messed up college, have some medical issues, Chris’s truck needs work, I drive a station wagon, I’m too impatient to make cute cupcakes for anyone, my house is a mess, I’m certainly not the best at anything, I’m overweight, I smoke, have thousands of dollars in debt, I’m a pushover, don’t know how to manage our money, haven’t been on a vacation (even to Galveston) in years, my uterus hates me and so far, I can’t have kids, and I waiver often in my faith.

While I have never have been diagnosed, primarily because I refuse to see someone about it, I struggle with depression. I can feel it coming on usually or maybe an instance will trigger it. Nonetheless, I have been in depression mode lately. Putting pen to paper, figuring out to pay this bill or that, trying on a shirt that shrunk in the dryer, taking a pregnancy test partly excited it was negative because there is NO way we could afford it and partly sad, because it means that we may never be able to have a baby. Feeling depressed because I felt called to help with Children’s Choir at church and I don’t know how to control them enough to even get them to practice- and what that ‘call’ meant. Being jealous, envious, and resentful. Questioning God.

This used not to be me. It IS who I have become.

So what do you do?

Let me say that my life isn’t that bad. I know that. Sometimes, life though, gets in the way. It clouds your view of the big picture. Pressures, family, illness, doubts, bills… LIFE.
I over think things. Am I doing enough for the Lord? Maybe I am telling myself I love Him, but do I really? I’ve rarely had an overwhelming “He told me to do this” or “I felt His presence” feeling. So what does that mean?

It simply means… keep on trudging along.

I can do that too, because deep down, behind the depression, I know that HE is with me! You know what all He tells me?

  • He tells me I am NOT perfect. He tells me I NEVER will be. No one, but our Lord, Jesus Christ is or was.
  • He tells me that He is walking with me, holding me, nudging me, forgiving me.
  • He tells me that we created a lot of our own problems, no one else. It is up to us to fix them.
  • He also adds that it is not His job to magically take them away, but yet He will see me through with His grace.
  • He lets me know that no matter how often I turn away, He is still waiting there for me, arms outstretched.
  • He tells me that I need to trust HIM. He will provide for me. He promises me eternity.
  • He reminds me that all the answers are in His Book. Sometimes, in prayer, His answer may be no.
  • He tells me that I am not stupid, or ugly, or worthless… but a beautiful Bride in Christ.
  • He lets me know that He is all knowing and that He knows everything thought, hurt, worry in my head.
  • He says not “to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.”
  • He tells me to ‘make disciples of all nations’.
  • He explains that ‘love is patient, love is kind’ and ‘keeps no records of wrongs’.

How GREAT is our God? I know that I can change our lives, but what took years to do, may also take years to amend. I know that I am not perfect and never will be. I’m just Erika. I’m the girl who:

  • Sings in the shower and the car.
  • Loves all furry animals and more specifically, llamas.
  • Watches way too many Disney movies than a 26 year old should.
  • Has PCOS. There is no cure. It can be managed. It is a battle scar.
  • Will try and overcome PCOS and have an armful of happy, healthy babies.
  • Has a wonderful husband and often takes him for granted.
  • Was spoiled as a child (still am) but appreciates and loves my parents and family more each day.
  • Will pray for you, care and love you.
  • Says she will keep up with a blog regularly, but never does.
  • Always spills something on my clothes. Especially white.
  • Will normally choose to watch sitcom reruns of the 50’s-80’s before anything else.
  • Usually thinks I’m right, but will admit when I am wrong.
  • Allows people to walk all over her, but is trying to get better at defining who I am and standing up for myself.
  • Always drops popcorn down my shirt at the movies.
  • Has tried to come to term with my nose, but still wants a nose job.
  • Thinks elderly people look like turtles.
  • May have questions or doubts, but at the end of it all, relies fully on the Lord, God Almighty.

I’ve had Pandora on today, listening to the Contemporary Christian station. Between writing this and hearing these amazing songs of praise… I feel awesome. Goes to show how things can turn around. They take time. Life isn’t easy, or perfect.

But you know what?

It’ll all work out. Truly, it will.

Even better?

They’ll all work out for the best. Work out for the will of God, who will never leave or forsake you.

The catch?

It’ll be in HIS time, not yours.

….and I’m okay with that, because I trust… I love… I pray… I praise… I will be humble… I will live for the Lord.

(Even if sometimes I falter… He will pick me up.) I’ll be honest. I’ll trudge along. I’ll rejoice!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Three Day Recap

Okay, I’m going to have to combine three days worth of stuff in one. I worked pretty late Monday night and was so hungry and tired that I just said ‘forget it!’ I began writing this yesterday, but was working on several things and left right at three. So… three days in, here we go!



The weekend was good. It was hectic (but aren’t they always?)


We lounged around quite a bit Saturday morning. Around noon we decided to get Chris some new khaki’s, because the ones he did have shrunk in the dryer! Rowlett is such a mess right now, between the DART rail coming in and I90, it feels like every road I need to go down is under construction. So we literally sat in traffic for 30-45 minutes on our way. We shopped around a bit and even found a polo shirt on sale. (Maroon of course, being such big Aggie fans!)


By this time we were running late so we ran home and got ready. The first service of the trial third service on Saturday’s was happening and we had to get to “rehearsal” beforehand. I brought some items from my home to decorate and I think for the first service, the mood and d├ęcor was nice. I know what to expect now and have some different ideas for next service. “The Message” is what we are calling this service. I must admit, I was pleasantly surprised. Great songs, great speaker, good atmosphere. Overall, a very nice, Spirit-led service.


In between all of that, we ate with Erin at Pancho’s and Lefty’s during the short break between rehearsal and the service. I don’t know if I will ever get tired of that place. I usually get their nachos. AMAZING.




After service, we met up with Jen and Erin at Chili’s… just because. While I didn’t exactly drink ALL water (and I DID drink a lot of that) … I did have one of their Tropical Sunrises. I forget how tasty they are!


There was also a guy working his way through college there making balloon “stuff”. I say stuff, because it wasn’t all balloon animals. Erin got a princess. Jen, a tiara (orange and white) and I got a tiara as well, in pink, white, and purple. I’m posting photos below that I found that are ‘similar’, but these are much more extravagant. I also put a smiley face over one I found, the chick kind of scared me. Sadly, balloon guy did not make Llamas. It’s a sad, sad day. Cool kid though, said he was going to transfer to BYU soon.


Again... nowhere near as fancy. I didn't get to take a picture before it deflated.
Only because Jen's tiara was t.u. colors. Ssssss.

Now this is once fancy balloon princess. Erin's was nowhere as classy as this lady. But hers did have better bangs. Huge... 80's bangs. "The higher the hair, the closer to God."

I didn't make it to church on Sunday. I felt so awful! I completely did not hear ANY of my alarms. Chris called at 10:30 and asked if I was up. Had it been 10:00-10:15, I could have made it. 10:30? No. I missed him doing communion/inivtation/benediction for the first time! I was so upset at myself. Thinking about it now though, I am kind of glad I did miss it. I'm critical a lot. I like things to be practiced and perfect. I was anxious and very detailed when watching Chris do his baptisms... and I hate that that part of me kind of ruined the moment. I am working on it... just takes time. He makes me so proud.


Chris speaking after he was installed as a minster within our church, May 30th.

Chris is going to be giving "The Message" on our next Saturday service, 9/25. I am going to try and make it. I hate to miss his first 'official' sermon. HOWEVER. Chris doesn't think about certain things, like checking the calendar to see if we have plans. Even though only an hour before we were talking about that evening and a concert we were going to with my parents, he forgot about it and agreed to be the next speaker that night. Agh! The concert has been planned for awhile... so I still don't know what to do. Why can't I be in two places at once?!?

Sunday night was topped off by Long John Silvers for a late lunch....

Look at that tasty goodness. Sooooo bad for you, but yuuu-mmm-y!

When then decided to have a small "date night" and go see a movie. We were going to see Eat-Pray-Love, but it had already started. We decided on The Switch.

It was cute, but definetly not something I just had to see.
 Could have waited until it came out on video.

Okay, so now it is Wednesday. I have a few things to show you for "What I'm Lovin'!"

Linedancing. More specifically, Copperhead Road. At Jeren's wedding several weeks back, they did this dance. How did I not know about it? Or the song for that matter? This (I think) is the version they were doing at the reception. It's simpler. The stomps sound cool though and it's much better in places other than raquetball courts. There is another version though, with more steps. I will learn it one day! I really want to go out dancing now.





When I mentioned we needed to go "two steppin'" to Chris he said the new thing to do is the half step and that we should learn it. I asked if that is the one where it looks like people are just shuffling around, like trying to buy the best scarf at a crowded store at Christmas. He informed it was. I'm not sure about the half step.


I also really want some boots. I have been wanting some for awhile now. Of course, all the ones I really like are hard to find in my size. (I have stupid huge/wide feet.) But a girl can dream right? After some preliminary looking, I have found these...

I always like the crazier ones. Especially in shoes and purses. These are amazing!

Both of these are similar with the inlay color. LOVE pink. I mean, LOVE.
But how pretty is that turquoise? Tough choice!

These are kind of crazy too. I think the whatever-reptile-skin that is would weird me out though.

These. These are soooo me. I am so in love with them! They are only $250 too.
Chris... my birthday will be coming up in just a few months! Muhaha!


I am also loving the songs you are hearing on my blog. They are so incredibly powerful. Most of them go straight to my soul and just fill me with God's love. Our God is such an awesome God! Take a look, I'll add more as time goes on, just scroll to the bottom... and look for this:

And this weekend... I will be loving the fact that I have Monday off! Hooray for three day weekends! I do have a couple prayer requests to share. If I do have a reader or two out there, please lift these two ladies up if you have a moment.

My grandmother, Maw Maw. She is 91 and her health is declining a lot. She has good and bad days. She is ready to go Home though and I know that. I love her so much! Prayers for good days and when God decides it is her time to come Home... allow it to be peaceful.

Chris's grandmother, Meme. Just had (another) quadruple bypass in San Antonio. Few days later, coded in her ICU room. Stable now, may go home this weekend. Prayers for a quick recovery!

Prayers appreciated! Until tomorrow....

Friday, August 27, 2010

Never blog on an empty stomach...

Well, here I am... blogging, as promised again.

It was supposed to be "Show Us Your Life" Friday, but then I realized, the topics only went through June.

Normally I would still be able to think of something, but as of right now... I can't. What I can do is show you something I found this week on the internet that completely has made my week. It's the cutest thing!

Ready?

Agh! That is entirely too much cuteness! I have it on my desktop here at work and it literally brings a smile to face everytime I see it.

I think I am about to order a pizza and pick it up before going home. Sounds tasty... and I am starving!

Tomorrow, Saturday, we will be introducing a new service at church. This is called "The Message" and will be held in the evening. I'm on the team and need to think of creative ways to decorate and set the appropriate mood. Guess I'll be heading to Hobby Lobby tomorrow morning!

THEN... Sunday morning, during second service, Chris will be doing communion! First time! He did his second baptism last week and I have been so proud of him. This week, he'll say it all... words of institution alllll the way down to the benediction! Prayers for a successful Sunday to my husband!

We watched 'Adventures in Babysitting' last night after our (oh so refined) meal of hamburger helper. That movie is truly ridiculous, but I love it.


Looks like slop doesn't it? Eh, it tastes good though. Speaking of tasting good... I have a pizza cooking for me at Papa Johns. It's pretty exciting. Well, as exciting as I am going to get today.

Have a blessed weekend!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Seriously... I never keep up with this! I say I am, have great intentions... and never do! I'm going to try and change that. I need to keep up with this. Not only can I chronicle our lives, but I can use it as an outlet. It's good for me. Something to hold me accountable.


We'll see how this goes. If you ever DO read my posts (the two a year) then you will notice a new background and header. I have also added some songs...


Before you continue to read, you need to know something about my last post. I was in a really dark place. Chris and I had been having some problems in our marriage. Nothing major, but in a way, they were. We just weren't "us". It was in this time, I wrote that. I considered deleting it, but then thought maybe it's fine. It's my blog afterall. It was exactly what I was feeling. So it stays.


I am happy to report that we are getting there. We have to still work at it, like any marriage. Our lives are so hectic, ALL the time, that making time for us usually takes a backseat. We are managing that and learning how to work around it. In March of 2011... we'll have been married 5 years! God has really been working in both of us and it shows in our lives and our love for one another.


To hold myself accountable, I'm going to try and do a daily theme for awhile. Monday's will be a weekend recap. On Tuesday's I'll discuss something in the news, a book, or the likes. Wednesday... 'What I'm loving'. Thursday will be what is going on in our lives or what is coming up. And finally, Friday- I will participate in Kelly's Korner "Show Us Your Life", or just randomnly blog about something. Surely I can find something to say on each of those days, right?


So, with that said... Thursday it is!


Last week, for the third year in a row, I spent time in Allen at my best friend, Keri's school. I did her bulletin board and Chris helped me redo her library. The theme for her school this year was 'kindness' and I really had a hard time with it. We decided to go with "pour up a cup of kindness" and have a coffee theme! Pics below.
Here is her outside wall. The kids' names are on coffee beans!

For each square (where work can be displayed) I put a decorative corner and spoon!

Here is the library. It replaced the covered wagon we did a few years ago.

One wall of the library. I found the wall decals at Hobby Lobby. LOVE them!

The orchids are stuck in actual coffee grounds, looks like dirt- but smells much better!

The entrance to her coffee "shop".

I really enjoyed doing her room, as I always do! Chris also did a great job with the awning. And look how organized her library is! She finally got her baskets that she has been wanting! Love it!

Okay, that's enough for today. Until tomorrow...

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Friday, June 4, 2010

Show Us Your Life Friday and a little reflection.....

My goal of this blog was to actually keep it up. Sadly, judging from the date of the last post… that didn’t happen. Oh well! No one reads it anyways… so it’s almost like my own personal diary. Like I am 11 again and have a 5 cent lock. Well no, nothing like that… this is the internet after all. I went back into my “file” and found out what today’s “Show Us Your Life” was, from Kelly’s Korner. You know, the one I mentioned in one of my first posts, with the intent to do it at very least, weekly?


June 4th: Share your proposal story. I’ll share, if you’ll indulge me.

Less than a year into Chris and I dating, when I was moving out of my dorm at A&M (my freshman and only year) my parents stayed at the Best Western, Chimney Hill. As we were leaving their room, we passed a suite. The curtains were drawn open and we saw a huge jacuzzi in the corner and a little faux fireplace. Ever since… I wanted to stay there. No, it wasn’t extravagantly expensive or looking back, ‘classy’ really… but it was nice and I knew it was something feasible for our little income. Fast forward to February (insert date I can’t remember here) 2005. Chris came home from work, the night shift at 7:00 am. He attempted to sleep but was tossing and turning and finally got up and said he had to go. He was gone all day, randomly checking in or swinging by… acting weird. He told me he had gotten us a room at BWCH, and we’d have a nice evening. I was excited! While my tiny apartment was nice and cozy, it sometimes is nice to just get away. He talked on AIM for awhile, and left again. I got nosey and looked at the log of what he and one of my best friends, Lauren has talked about. “I’m going to propose to Erika tonight.” What!?!? I got excited and while I was reading the words on the screen I really did not believe it. He told me to be ready at a certain time. I was. Lauren came over during and when I arrived out of the bathroom, hair soaked… they fell quiet. “He’s not doing this. He’s going to chicken out” I thought. Suddenly, Lauren had to go, right then, to a basketball game. I gave her the Erika Inquisition and she held on well, I must say. I finished getting ready and we walked to the car. Chris’s phone rang. He mumbled about a microwave, so I asked… “oh that was Dad” he said. “Wanted to see if we needed a microwave.” Mmmhmm, okay. Funnily, I remember what I was wearing. A green tank top (yes, in February) that I wore a lot because quite honestly, it made my boobs look good. Jeans, and little strappy heels with different colored flowers on them. What was Chris wearing? I know it was a colored shirt. Anything else, I have no idea. We circled the hotel MULTIPLE times, Chris making up lame excuses the whole time. Which sadly, I bought. I was in such denial. We arrive. As I walk in the door, I see candles, rose petals everywhere. The jacuzzi filled with bubble bath and champagne. My favorite flowers, gladiolas on the table by the faux fireplace burning brightly. As I walk around the room and thank him for the romantic setting, he asked me what the bathroom looked like. I look and explain and he pretends to be interested in the kitchen area, opening the fridge, opening the microwave. Soon he corrals me to the middle of the room and hugs me and gives me a kiss. I tell him thank you for everything when he steps back and begins the decent to one knee. He said something really sweet. I do remember that. Exact words? No. I was in the middle of freaking out, I couldn’t process much. I did manage to begin shaking violently… managed to hit him… and say no! no! But… in the end, as you all know… I said yes. I still remember looking down at him, I can see his face. I love that face. Well, nothing romantic about it… I called Lauren and told her to come over and help me drink champagne. She, after all, WAS the one who made the room so pretty. She told me that she went to Albertsons and began throwing stuff in her cart. When it came time to be carded for the champagne, she had to explain, and they let her have it. She did a great job! I called my parents… our friends… Chris called his. The ring actually didn’t fit… he got it in such a hurry and they had one size, so I really didn’t get to wear it for almost a month!



Ahh... that was a nice walk down memory lane. Fast forward to 2010… present day. I look back at that night and those times with happiness and sadness. While there are things I would never want to go through again, things that happened in those years in our lives… I do miss that. Since I feel like it is really just me seeing this… I need to vent. The past year-year and a half has been such a struggle. Just four years in… hard to believe. The church job takes up so much of his time, in addition to his regular 8-5. We’ve grown apart, instead of closer. We’ve drifted, we’ve fought, we’ve quit trying, we made our own lives, in this hole, in this rut. I know Chris loves me. I do. Thing is, for the first time really- I was the one who had questions. I never really went through that when we dated, during our engagement…. But just four years in… I’ve found myself wondering. It makes me feel awful. I try to be honest with him, but I know it hurts him. I love him. But the question was…. Am I IN love with him? I haven’t been sure for awhile. He says he is trying. I don’t see it. My heart aches so much sometimes. Sometimes… I feel nothing. I’m tired, I told him. My issues with depression don’t help. I go in these dark times. Sometimes they are for a few hours, sometimes a week, or as in last year…. Months upon months. Even sitting here now, I can say the spark is gone. 98% gone, that flame.

So what do you do?

One of the reasons (among MANY) I took the church job, as secretary was the belief that it would help us. It would allow us more time together. Boy, was I wrong. Between both of us being workaholics, control freaks, and a little too eager- we spend more time up here. Thing is, one of the things I always loved about Chris was his compassion, his willingness…. But it’s the very thing I often find myself resenting. I realized, that my best friend, the one whose arms made everything better became empty.

Last Sunday changed a lot of that. Well, in two ways. That morning, I watched my husband, my best friend (deep down) get installed as a minister in our church. I literally, beamed with pride. I was actually surprised how proud I was. I mean, I knew I would be… yes. But not the true way it affected me. I cried, something that shocked me even more. In that moment, I fell in love all over again. That evening though… the outside stresses got the best of us. We had an argument, again. Finally, I broke down. I broke down some of the things I needed to let out. To my surprise, Chris asked me… “when I return from Mission Trip next week… will you still be here?” Sadly enough, the thought of packing up in that week had crossed my mind. I replied that yes, I would still be here. And I will be.

It’s so funny how songs can describe so much. Three I’ve found myself turning to in this strain are:

But he don't feel the same
Since our lives became
Years of bills, babies and chains
Home ain't where his heart is anymore
He may hang his hat behind our bedroom door
But he don't lay his head down to love me like before
Home ain't where his heart is anymore
If foundations made of stone can turn to dust
Then the hardest hearts of steel can turn to rust
If he could only find that feeling once again
If we could only change the way the story ends
And he may still come home
But I live here alone
The love that built these walls is gone

(SHANIA TWAIN, HOME AIN’T WHERE HIS HEART IS ANYMORE)

Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, you believed in me
I believed in you
Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?

(MADONNA, in EVITA: YOU MUST LOVE ME)

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks
I miss my friend

(DARRYL WORLEY, I MISS MY FRIEND)

I still get down about it all… I want to work at it. Thing is… I don’t see myself with anyone else. I don’t want to be with anyone else. Maybe it was appropriate the “Show Us Your Life” was about my proposal story. It made me think of that fire we had. I trust that while it may be embers… it’s still burning… and that certainly counts for something.

Friday, January 15, 2010

"I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!"

.

Today at Kelly’s Korner, the Show Us Your Life topic is weight loss secrets/tips/etc…


 
I’m really not going to blog about that. If you need to know why, just take a look at me lately… definitely not one to be giving tips. I will say for the most part however that I have struggled with my weight all my life. I guess I started gaining around 4th grade and it has always been an ongoing battle. As I mentioned in a prior post, my depression has also played a factor not only in the past year alone, but the past several. So much in fact… that I quit caring. I hate that about myself. Nonetheless it is who I am, for now.

 
I talk about it a lot with Chris, which he hates. Primarily because in the context of talking about it I am very negative and as he says, “put myself down a lot.” Thing is, I know (sort of) what works for me. Well, until a certain point when the losing stops. The summer before 9th grade, my mom paid for me to go to Jenny Craig for a few months and I lost close to 50 lbs. in that short time. I ate their food, I measured everything, and I walked for an hour daily in the scorching Texas heat. I kept it off until JV Drill Team ended and then it packed on again. Thing is, for the most part, while I was “heavy” I was toned. Being 5’7” usually helped too. Now, at 25, I am no longer toned. I know it will only get worse.

Hopefully with my new job… (Yes! That is my announcement! February 1st, I will be the secretary for our church. I am so excited!) I will have the time to walk and work out more. I told Chris the other day it will be good that I get off earlier and can workout to videos in the living room without him watching me. Sweatin’ to the Oldies anyone? Ha! I’ll also be cooking at home again- which I love to do, but we always get home so late. Fast food every night can really add to the fat factor. I used to love to do crunches. Seriously, I LOVED it.

For me, it is cutting out carbs. Lowering my “sweet” intake and mainly, sodas. It’s not going back for seconds and cutting down my portions. It’s exercising. We also plan to get harnesses for the dogs, so we can walk them together by the lake. That’ll be good for us. I actually love to workout. I want an elliptical so bad. We can’t really afford a gym membership right now though, so I can make do.

Basically, without any promises to myself or someone else, it is time for a change. It is time to get out of my rut. I’ve said it before and while I don’t have “high hopes” for myself (because I know how I am and don’t want a let down) I do hope I can be more cautious about it. Two reasons really. The first, the obvious health reasons. I know as I age it will only get harder and will continue to do more and more damage to my body. With my dooming family history of heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, etc… on both sides, I also need to lower my risk if I can. Also, losing will perhaps help in the baby department and my PCOS- if and when we decide it is time to have a family. The second reason? Well, it is hard to define. I’m much more self conscious that I realize most the time. I never feel sexy for Chris (though he tells me all the time, I am.)- but I’m young, you know? I’m very aware of my over-weight-ness around others too. I want some of the cuter clothes and I don’t want to allow myself to get ANY bigger. Maybe I’m vain…

 
About a year ago, my mom and grandmother and I were watching some show on TV and they made a comment about how skimpy the girls were dressed. I jokingly told them then, “if I ever get that thin, I’ll walk around with as little as possible, just be warned.” When they asked why… I told them I earned it. I was joking of course. Thing is though, I have been the way I am for so long… a change would be really nice. When I told Chris my goal weight once, he got angry and said it was too thin. So I figure I’ll take baby steps and go from there. I know several websites too that can “hold you accountable”. We’ll see how it goes. Maybe that’s a small “non-resolution”?

 
FYI- my father is being released soon! His surgery went well yesterday and I hope his recovery goes quickly! Thank you for any prayers you sent our way. Okay, I wrote enough for initially stating I wasn’t going to even blog about this. Oh well! Until next time…












Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Lord, give us strength....

Not much has been going on. What started out as an extremely stressful week has slowly wound down. While very busy, the magnitude of stress is lifted. Amen to that!



I come mainly today for two reasons.



The first, for you to say a prayer for my dad. He’ll be having back surgery tomorrow and I just hope all goes smoothly and it truly helps him.

 
Secondly I want to urge you to pray for the people of Haiti. The earthquake has caused unimaginable devastation. Pray for those lost in the rubble, the families searching for loved ones, the leaders and volunteers, the hospitals and crews. Pray for the injured, the young and old. I’m posting a photo that I found on msnbc.com. I saw it earlier today and I have thought of this man numerous times throughout. While it isn’t graphic, it is heart wrenching. Look into his eyes. Look at the anguish on his face. He’s carrying his daughter, found in the rubble. She sadly, did not make it.








I’ll never know the name of this man, but I surely, will long remember his face.


Look long and hard at him and really, truly pray for the people of Haiti. Pray for our world. While neither of our sponsored children lived in Haiti, many children did. Go to compassion.com to read up what they are trying to do and donate if you see fit. Remember, a few dollars to us can mean the world to them.




Friday, January 8, 2010

Resolving not... to make a "resolution".

New Years Resolutions.
Hm. Not necessarily sure that I have any. I’ve found, that if I place something in the ‘resolution’ category… it is much worse when I don’t actually do it than if it is just something I hoped or planned to do in the coming year. Less accountability I guess. Nonetheless, there are things I would like to do and change this year. So let the list begin- it’s the first Friday of 2010 for Kelly’s Korner Show Us How You Live.



1. I want to change pace. I want to become a little more selfish. Translation? I want to get back to the things that are important to me and those I love. Work less, worry less. I hope this year will be a year I can overcome my depression more often than not. I want to be in control. I hope to help out more with my grandmother, for my dad (and truth be told, for me too). I want to visit people again. I want to travel to see family. I want to make others the priority and not the “obligations” we felt sometimes in 2009.


2. I want to date. I want to get back to Chris and Erika. This past year has been difficult on both of us, for many reasons. We’ve gotten in ruts. We’ve been on edge. We’ve been annoyed or angry or hurt or stressed. Problem was, we allowed, in some ways- our marriage to, for a lack of better words, suffer. Now, we always loved one another… that never changed. But it wasn’t fully ‘us’ either. Christmas, though stressful, was mostly good this year. It was good for us. And so far, has been since. I welcome it back.


3. I want to serve more. I want to get back to actually attending church 98% of Sundays. I really got bad this fall and have missed much more than I would like. I want to write my CCF and Compassion kids and teach them, and their families, about how wonderful our Lord is! I want to donate to more organizations I am passionate about. I want to simply help my mom or my dad, my grandmothers. A neighbor. My husband. A friend. I want to honor my Paw Paw by actually going to visit his grave, maybe ‘talk’ to him some. I want to talk with God more. Not half asleep either. Not just the many ‘breath’ prayers I say throughout the day. But sit down and TALK with God. He already knows me better than anyone ever could… shouldn’t I strive to at least meet Him half way?


4. Organize my life. Remember to send a birthday card or an anniversary card. Save up for an unexpected expense. Pay off debt. Go back to school. Be happy with my job. Work in my yard and not kill my plants. Learn something new. Play with the dogs, take them for walks. Fit in time for fun and only THINK about fun at that time, not “what I should be doing”. Sleep better. Praise more.


So maybe I don't have a resolution pinpointed per say. I just figure if I can do some of the above, it'll better my life in more ways than I could ever imagine, and maybe others' too. Can I just say one thing? 2010 and the above…. Are getting off to a wonderful start. I really can’t reveal much more than that right now. But rest assured, I will be spreading the good news when the time comes. I’m excited, I’m anxious, I’m nervous, I’m overjoyed. And no, I am not pregnant.


In other news, being an Aggie fan… I am against t.u. (or UT) as much as possible. Even if I try not to be that way… I am. So I was excited about the win for Alabama last night. Roll tide! I do feel bad they lost McCoy though so soon in the game. Nonetheless, we watched it last night with a fire in the fireplace, pizza and cheese bread, and a few dogs curled up on the couches. Good evening, all in all. I went to bed at 10:30 though- I’ve been exhausted lately!




That’s it. I’m out. Probably no updates this weekend, so I hope everyone has a good one. Stay warm… I can’t get over how cold it has been here in DFW! But I really, truly… LOVE it.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

My first post of 2010! Wow… 2010? Is it possible? A fresh start as some may say. While I don’t necessarily have “high hopes” for the upcoming year… I can imagine it will throw curve balls my way. Lots of highs, lots of lows. Such is life, huh? I do know one thing though… I can and will control some of it. Looking back, 2009 was somewhat a year of me… not being in control. I hope to change that. Maybe that is my only resolution. What is that saying? “I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.” Well, ah-hoy matey… bring on 2010, I’m ready to face it head on!


2-0-0-9 : A year in (short) review.


Our resolution as a couple last year was to find a church home. We began the first Sunday of the year. We’d been to this church a few times before and while I initially felt we still needed to “shop around”- it didn’t take long until we knew God led us to our family. We’ve made many new friends along the way… FCC Rowlett has been such an incredible blessing this past year.


Sadly, soon after, we faced the loss of a dear friend, Travis Spence. We spent a week in Shreveport with his wife, facing the loss of a wonderful man and faithful Christian. Chris never really had a true grandfather growing up and I think he filled that void for him. For me, it resembled my own Paw Paw, who I lost in 2002 and filled an empty space in my heart as well. I know he was ready to go Home but he is missed greatly.


Chris found his niche right away with the youth program. Soon after, he was installed as ‘Director of Youth Ministries’. I have never been so proud of him. As I stood in the front of our congregation, holding his hand, in front of our families- my heart beamed with pride and a whole new level of love and respect for him.


I accepted a new position at my job. If nothing else, it has been a huge learning experience for me. Lots of stress, I’ve learned numerous things- both job related and about myself. Unlike my few other jobs I have had… I will have been with this company for two years in February. A personal record for me.

My best friend got married. I was privileged to be her Matron of Honor and stand beside her, just as she stood by me.

We finally got our own place again. I’d forgotten what it was like to actually be alone with my husband. I enjoy coming home to MY home. Decorating MY home. It’s been wonderful. While it wasn’t what I ‘had in mind’ from the start… it’s been a perfect fit for us.


I’ve dealt a lot with my depression. It comes and goes, but I can honestly say my lows have been at their all time lowest this year. Struggling with my depression has been difficult, but for the most part, I have learned to lean on my faith to get me through it.

Whether they know it or not, this year made me think a lot about my parents and family. What they truly mean to me, and really, how much admiration I have for them. Maybe it is a growing older thing (and while we are on the subject, Chris and I both turned 25 this year, blech!) but I really can’t imagine a life without them. Sure they upset me or make me mad, but overall, I have been so abundantly blessed with the family and parents I have in my life. I am so grateful.

I became a “mommy” again! We now have Duke and Moondoggie who bring me such joy! There is nothing like a fuzz ball or two greeting you at the door, so excited to see you. It can make anyone’s day! Pre-Moondoggie, I did lose my Little Lexi pup. After a week of having her, she suddenly got very ill and passed away. This completely tore my heart up and I still think about that little girl.

I’ll follow this post up next Friday- when I begin the Show Us Your Life blogs. First up? New Years Resolutions. Have I mentioned I am long winded? Get used to it… it’s a habit!