Friday, September 13, 2013

Another, more cheerful post!

Sorry to bring ya'll down in today's earlier post. I'm better right now, on an upswing I guess you could say...and because of that, I finished my wreath for our front door:

Too easy and too too cute! Simply wrap Styrofoam wreath in burlap, make felt roses using any tutorial online, and cut the A&M out of hard felt. Use lots and lots of hot glue and burn your fingers too!

Wha-la! Done. Just in time for tomorrow's game.

BTHO 'Bama, Ags! Gig'em!

This is for me.

To Write Love On Her Arms is doing a "I Cannot Be Replaced Because..." campaign right now and as much as I have tried, I've had a hard time coming up with reasons.

This post may be public, but really... it's just for me. 

But I left it public on purpose...

Not for the attention or the 'cry for help', not for comments of worried friends... maybe someone else will know these feelings and scrape and dig (like I often have to) to come up with even the smallest list. The most trivial of things that matter. 

Maybe one day I can look back and remind myself why I am still here. Maybe one day I will have many more reasons to list, because even through my cloudiness right now, I know there are more out there. I'm sure of it. There just has to be.

I just can't find them. So, in my "funk" as so many want to call it... I reminded myself that even though I think about it, often, I have not in fact- ended my life. So what's holding me back?

See.. as much as it will piss my husband off, I don't list "because I'd leave my husband behind" or something similar because quite often, I think he'd be okay. Sometimes I think he would be better off without me. Regardless of the truth behind it or not, I think that often. I don't necessarily believe that there is one person for everyone... because even though I could not imagine my life without Chris... I feel like he has a lot to offer others. I feel like he could easily find someone... probably better... if he had to. I feel like he could move on and be happy. Maybe someone else won't nag him or bitch about her problems or how crazy she is in the head. Maybe someone who isn't so introverted or someone who can give him children. I don't know. He's a good guy, that's all. There is a reason I fell in love with him.

I don't know what my reasons are. The ones I came up with are silly... but hell, if it gets me by, right?

1.) Even though I have Chris and family, I wouldn't want anyone else taking care of my fur-babies.
2.) My grandmother... and my parents who lost three before me. It'd be like, selfish Erika, at it again.
3.) I'd like to redo my house and make sure it's clean. I want to see my ideas come to life.
4.) I don't know where I stand on God and the suicide issue. Best not to chance it for now, right?

And... I guess that's it. For now.

I know, somewhere, somehow, there has to be a brighter day. But today, I just can't see it.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Feelin' artsy....

I got a little bored earlier and decided to make this:

It's my absolute favorite part of my favorite hymn!

Thursday, September 5, 2013

365 days and counting

Well... I did it! I made it to a year of not smoking! After ten years of smoking a pack/pack-and-a-half a day, I actually made it. Whew!

Here's my progress:

Hard to believe I would have smoked over 7,000 cigarettes and spent over $2,300! I am so glad I made the decision to quit. I feel better that I could have imagined. And love getting compliments on my perfume, because before... the smoke covered it up.

I love not waking up feeling like death and hacking up what might have been a lung. I love not getting winded walking from my car into a store. I don't miss the cottonmouth at all.

...but if I am being honest... I DO miss smoking too. Maybe part of me always will. While I do use the E-Cig still and vape at 0 mg of nicotine... I'd love to pick up a Marlboro Light.

One of my biggest accomplishments (for myself) is having the opportunity to smoke, without anyone knowing, and having the will power to say no. Cleaning out my car once, alone in my back yard, I came across a perfectly in tact Marlboro Light 100. Who would know?

I would have.

So I broke it in half and threw it away., a year later, and one goal down... I hope I can have the same will-power on my next endeavor: weight loss. Chris began a couple weeks ago and is doing so well. I am so proud of him!

I'm easing in to it. I'm not sure I am 100% ready-- but I'm getting there. I'm readier than I've ever been.

Here's to another year of making better choices! If I can add around 30 days to my lifespan by not smoking... where will I be in a year of eating better and exercising?

Want to follow our progress? Visit us over at our weight loss blog:

Until next time....