To Write Love On Her Arms is doing a "I Cannot Be Replaced Because..." campaign right now and as much as I have tried, I've had a hard time coming up with reasons.
This post may be public, but really... it's just for me.
But I left it public on purpose...
Not for the attention or the 'cry for help', not for comments of worried friends... maybe someone else will know these feelings and scrape and dig (like I often have to) to come up with even the smallest list. The most trivial of things that matter.
Maybe one day I can look back and remind myself why I am still here. Maybe one day I will have many more reasons to list, because even through my cloudiness right now, I know there are more out there. I'm sure of it. There just has to be.
I just can't find them. So, in my "funk" as so many want to call it... I reminded myself that even though I think about it, often, I have not in fact- ended my life. So what's holding me back?
See.. as much as it will piss my husband off, I don't list "because I'd leave my husband behind" or something similar because quite often, I think he'd be okay. Sometimes I think he would be better off without me. Regardless of the truth behind it or not, I think that often. I don't necessarily believe that there is one person for everyone... because even though I could not imagine my life without Chris... I feel like he has a lot to offer others. I feel like he could easily find someone... probably better... if he had to. I feel like he could move on and be happy. Maybe someone else won't nag him or bitch about her problems or how crazy she is in the head. Maybe someone who isn't so introverted or someone who can give him children. I don't know. He's a good guy, that's all. There is a reason I fell in love with him.
I don't know what my reasons are. The ones I came up with are silly... but hell, if it gets me by, right?
1.) Even though I have Chris and family, I wouldn't want anyone else taking care of my fur-babies.
2.) My grandmother... and my parents who lost three before me. It'd be like, selfish Erika, at it again.
3.) I'd like to redo my house and make sure it's clean. I want to see my ideas come to life.
4.) I don't know where I stand on God and the suicide issue. Best not to chance it for now, right?
And... I guess that's it. For now.
I know, somewhere, somehow, there has to be a brighter day. But today, I just can't see it.