Honesty: the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness; truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness; freedom from deceit or fraud. (Honestly, this is going to be a long blog.)
Most people probably associate ‘honesty’ as telling someone else the truth. When you are little, you are told that you have to be honest. It’s the best policy, right? As you grow, there are those ‘little white lies’… you know, when your best friend gets a bad haircut and you “fib” just a tad, to spare feelings? Through a lot of soul searching lately, I have realized that oftentimes, I am not honest.
I’m honest in my job. I’m honest in my marriage. But am I honest with myself? More importantly, am I honest with God? How can I not be honest with the Lord, the Master, the King who knows ALL?
I don’t think anyone really reads this blog and that is fine. I need to lay some things out there. If you do read, here is the biggest dose of honesty from me, about me.
I’m not perfect. I know, I know… no one is, right? There is something though, inside of me that has always wanted to be perfect, or as close as possible. I had visions of being the perfect wife, with adorable, well behaved, smart, talented children. I’d balance a career, making tons of money and home life. I’d be the great room mom, staying up all night making the cute goody bags and cupcakes. Everyone could call on me, because I was the best at it all. I wouldn’t take stuff from people and could stand up for myself. Did I mention I’d be thin and gorgeous too? I’d have a new car, nice clothes, always wear heels, brand new home my husband and I designed, and take fabulous vacations. I’d inspire people with my faith and rarely doubt.
REAL LIFE: I rarely fix my hair past a pony tail or bun, I never wear heels (anymore), we are renting a duplex, we usually eat fast food, I messed up college, have some medical issues, Chris’s truck needs work, I drive a station wagon, I’m too impatient to make cute cupcakes for anyone, my house is a mess, I’m certainly not the best at anything, I’m overweight, I smoke, have thousands of dollars in debt, I’m a pushover, don’t know how to manage our money, haven’t been on a vacation (even to Galveston) in years, my uterus hates me and so far, I can’t have kids, and I waiver often in my faith.
While I have never have been diagnosed, primarily because I refuse to see someone about it, I struggle with depression. I can feel it coming on usually or maybe an instance will trigger it. Nonetheless, I have been in depression mode lately. Putting pen to paper, figuring out to pay this bill or that, trying on a shirt that shrunk in the dryer, taking a pregnancy test partly excited it was negative because there is NO way we could afford it and partly sad, because it means that we may never be able to have a baby. Feeling depressed because I felt called to help with Children’s Choir at church and I don’t know how to control them enough to even get them to practice- and what that ‘call’ meant. Being jealous, envious, and resentful. Questioning God.
This used not to be me. It IS who I have become.
So what do you do?
Let me say that my life isn’t that bad. I know that. Sometimes, life though, gets in the way. It clouds your view of the big picture. Pressures, family, illness, doubts, bills… LIFE.
I over think things. Am I doing enough for the Lord? Maybe I am telling myself I love Him, but do I really? I’ve rarely had an overwhelming “He told me to do this” or “I felt His presence” feeling. So what does that mean?
It simply means… keep on trudging along.
I can do that too, because deep down, behind the depression, I know that HE is with me! You know what all He tells me?
- He tells me I am NOT perfect. He tells me I NEVER will be. No one, but our Lord, Jesus Christ is or was.
- He tells me that He is walking with me, holding me, nudging me, forgiving me.
- He tells me that we created a lot of our own problems, no one else. It is up to us to fix them.
- He also adds that it is not His job to magically take them away, but yet He will see me through with His grace.
- He lets me know that no matter how often I turn away, He is still waiting there for me, arms outstretched.
- He tells me that I need to trust HIM. He will provide for me. He promises me eternity.
- He reminds me that all the answers are in His Book. Sometimes, in prayer, His answer may be no.
- He tells me that I am not stupid, or ugly, or worthless… but a beautiful Bride in Christ.
- He lets me know that He is all knowing and that He knows everything thought, hurt, worry in my head.
- He says not “to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.”
- He tells me to ‘make disciples of all nations’.
- He explains that ‘love is patient, love is kind’ and ‘keeps no records of wrongs’.
How GREAT is our God? I know that I can change our lives, but what took years to do, may also take years to amend. I know that I am not perfect and never will be. I’m just Erika. I’m the girl who:
- Sings in the shower and the car.
- Loves all furry animals and more specifically, llamas.
- Watches way too many Disney movies than a 26 year old should.
- Has PCOS. There is no cure. It can be managed. It is a battle scar.
- Will try and overcome PCOS and have an armful of happy, healthy babies.
- Has a wonderful husband and often takes him for granted.
- Was spoiled as a child (still am) but appreciates and loves my parents and family more each day.
- Will pray for you, care and love you.
- Says she will keep up with a blog regularly, but never does.
- Always spills something on my clothes. Especially white.
- Will normally choose to watch sitcom reruns of the 50’s-80’s before anything else.
- Usually thinks I’m right, but will admit when I am wrong.
- Allows people to walk all over her, but is trying to get better at defining who I am and standing up for myself.
- Always drops popcorn down my shirt at the movies.
- Has tried to come to term with my nose, but still wants a nose job.
- Thinks elderly people look like turtles.
- May have questions or doubts, but at the end of it all, relies fully on the Lord, God Almighty.
I’ve had Pandora on today, listening to the Contemporary Christian station. Between writing this and hearing these amazing songs of praise… I feel awesome. Goes to show how things can turn around. They take time. Life isn’t easy, or perfect.
But you know what?
It’ll all work out. Truly, it will.
They’ll all work out for the best. Work out for the will of God, who will never leave or forsake you.
It’ll be in HIS time, not yours.
….and I’m okay with that, because I trust… I love… I pray… I praise… I will be humble… I will live for the Lord.
(Even if sometimes I falter… He will pick me up.) I’ll be honest. I’ll trudge along. I’ll rejoice!