Friday, January 15, 2010

"I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!"


Today at Kelly’s Korner, the Show Us Your Life topic is weight loss secrets/tips/etc…

I’m really not going to blog about that. If you need to know why, just take a look at me lately… definitely not one to be giving tips. I will say for the most part however that I have struggled with my weight all my life. I guess I started gaining around 4th grade and it has always been an ongoing battle. As I mentioned in a prior post, my depression has also played a factor not only in the past year alone, but the past several. So much in fact… that I quit caring. I hate that about myself. Nonetheless it is who I am, for now.

I talk about it a lot with Chris, which he hates. Primarily because in the context of talking about it I am very negative and as he says, “put myself down a lot.” Thing is, I know (sort of) what works for me. Well, until a certain point when the losing stops. The summer before 9th grade, my mom paid for me to go to Jenny Craig for a few months and I lost close to 50 lbs. in that short time. I ate their food, I measured everything, and I walked for an hour daily in the scorching Texas heat. I kept it off until JV Drill Team ended and then it packed on again. Thing is, for the most part, while I was “heavy” I was toned. Being 5’7” usually helped too. Now, at 25, I am no longer toned. I know it will only get worse.

Hopefully with my new job… (Yes! That is my announcement! February 1st, I will be the secretary for our church. I am so excited!) I will have the time to walk and work out more. I told Chris the other day it will be good that I get off earlier and can workout to videos in the living room without him watching me. Sweatin’ to the Oldies anyone? Ha! I’ll also be cooking at home again- which I love to do, but we always get home so late. Fast food every night can really add to the fat factor. I used to love to do crunches. Seriously, I LOVED it.

For me, it is cutting out carbs. Lowering my “sweet” intake and mainly, sodas. It’s not going back for seconds and cutting down my portions. It’s exercising. We also plan to get harnesses for the dogs, so we can walk them together by the lake. That’ll be good for us. I actually love to workout. I want an elliptical so bad. We can’t really afford a gym membership right now though, so I can make do.

Basically, without any promises to myself or someone else, it is time for a change. It is time to get out of my rut. I’ve said it before and while I don’t have “high hopes” for myself (because I know how I am and don’t want a let down) I do hope I can be more cautious about it. Two reasons really. The first, the obvious health reasons. I know as I age it will only get harder and will continue to do more and more damage to my body. With my dooming family history of heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, etc… on both sides, I also need to lower my risk if I can. Also, losing will perhaps help in the baby department and my PCOS- if and when we decide it is time to have a family. The second reason? Well, it is hard to define. I’m much more self conscious that I realize most the time. I never feel sexy for Chris (though he tells me all the time, I am.)- but I’m young, you know? I’m very aware of my over-weight-ness around others too. I want some of the cuter clothes and I don’t want to allow myself to get ANY bigger. Maybe I’m vain…

About a year ago, my mom and grandmother and I were watching some show on TV and they made a comment about how skimpy the girls were dressed. I jokingly told them then, “if I ever get that thin, I’ll walk around with as little as possible, just be warned.” When they asked why… I told them I earned it. I was joking of course. Thing is though, I have been the way I am for so long… a change would be really nice. When I told Chris my goal weight once, he got angry and said it was too thin. So I figure I’ll take baby steps and go from there. I know several websites too that can “hold you accountable”. We’ll see how it goes. Maybe that’s a small “non-resolution”?

FYI- my father is being released soon! His surgery went well yesterday and I hope his recovery goes quickly! Thank you for any prayers you sent our way. Okay, I wrote enough for initially stating I wasn’t going to even blog about this. Oh well! Until next time…

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