Tuesday, January 14, 2014

WHEN baby makes three?

Another year and another good intention of keeping up with this blog.

...yeah right.

Nonetheless, I'll try. I used to write all the time (back in the days of Xanga and MySpace) and while I never wrote anything "good" per say... they are my thoughts, my days, my life. How neat to look back in a few years and see where we have been.

This year will mark eight years of marriage for this happy couple. Wow. Hard to believe. I feel like the year ahead has much in store for us! We're going to begin the process of 'getting ourselves in order' and preparing to try for a baby.

When I say 'get ourselves in order' I mostly mean that we are going to have a long road of testing and trying ahead. I've got to get my willpower from somewhere and work on my weight issues to manage my PCOS (in addition to many other obvious health related reasons.)

And while I am looking forward to it, I'm also nervous and scared.

I'm a worrier. Just can't help it. I know the coming year might be full of what if's and could be's and everything in between. I know that there is a large chance the answer may simply be "no..." and while I've always prepared myself for that (since I was a teenager) part of me has always kept the hope that everything will go smoothly and work like clockwork.

I  am fearful for what the future testing will hold. Part of me sometimes think that when and if it is time to test Chris.... that maybe some of the burden of not being able to have a child would be lifted, if he too, had his own troubles. It wouldn't be solely my fault. But then again, I don't wish that for him. For us, together of course, or for anyone else (God-forbid anything were to ever happen to me.) It's a sad feeling being the bearer of barren. It's lonely and defeating.

Until we really try (this year) we won't know if the doctor who told me 'never' when I was 14 or the doctor who said 'no problem' at 19 or the countless others in between who said 'maybe' or 'possible' were right. Unfortunately, almost 10 years of pseudo-trying haven't proved to be successful, so I know which answer I am leaning towards right now.

I know we have time (though that grows smaller by the day) and I know we have options... but my goodness! I look at the thousands of women and couples going through the same thing... heartbroken and defeated and know deep down that I'm not alone in this, but it's a scary and lonely feeling either way.

Truth be told I am terrified, beyond all other baby-making-related reasons.

Are we ready?
Can we afford it?
I want the house redone first!
Do we need a better car?
What if....
What if....
What if....

Maybe 2014 will the hold the answers, eh?

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