I've never been the best blogger. This year, specifically though, I've not had time to live my life... much less write about it.
As 2011 is about to close, I look back on the past year and simply... sigh.
Nothing major has happened really. In comparison to so many others' lives, we've had a great year actually. But, I'm tired.
I was an overachiever in high school, so I don't know why I am shocked at the following statement.... but, I'm a work-a-holic. I slacked off majorly in college, so much so, I didn't finish it and to be honest, that carried over into my first couple of jobs. In the past four years though... that's all I know how to do. I'm a secretary, you wouldn't think I would be so OCD about my job. No matter how hard I try to get ahead and make things "perfect"... I never am and they never are.
So with budget cuts and a new year... hello 2012... I'm going to start living more!
The work will be there the next day. (I cringe as I say that.)
I will work my allotted 30 hours, go in January 2nd at 9:00 am... and leave at 3:00 pm on the dot. (Panic attack is setting in right now. But what if you aren't done? What if you have a newsletter to finish up or an email to answer?) I'll stick to that all the way until Friday and then, enjoy my weekend. I'll start again the following week.... and so on.
What is that like exactly? Not finishing up on Saturday or working until 8 pm on something? I vow to come home to my husband and not make him come up there with me "because after all, he has stuff HE could be doing too."
We live on Duke Circle. Not at the church.
I'm not complaining mind you. We do it to ourselves. But things have to change. So often, we tend to dred certain projects or outings or duties, purely because we have spent so much time on church stuff already. I'm so burnt out, being the secretary, being a church member, on this or that committee, and being the Youth Minister's wife.
It hit me that in a few days, I'll be 27. Chris and I have spent our marriage (almost 6 years now) dealing with family or friend happenings, mostly worrying about bills or arguing about money, working and doing for others before ourselves.
I'm done with that... for awhile. I don't want to consume myself with selfishness, but don't we deserve it... just a little?
Back in August, events transpired that have left me brokenhearted and down in Spirit. I still am and find new reasons daily to remain that way, though oftentimes too, there are equally as many reasons as to feel better about it all.
We all know the bad outweighs to good, in most instances. I am hurt to the core, I am angry, I am confused. I'm figuring people out and being shocked by others.
One thing I can say however.... we'll make it. I have so much faith remaining in the good of people, in that the truth and the security that'll things happen for a reason, and most of all, I have the promise of God's backing in all things. I try and remember that when things still get ugly.
We all small, but we are mighty. What a blessing!
Between finances, stress, feeling bad, Chris quitting his job, no insurance, car troubles, change after change, and on top if at all, my depression showing it's ugly face over and over again... I've hard more dark days than bright. Days when I think, 'it'll never get better.' I'm still in that mode now... to a point.
I have zero Christmas Spirit this year. In fact, I've turned off my usual Christmas station numerous times because the songs were annoying. Gasp!
But we all know Christmas isn't just about the gifts, the songs, the decorations (I have none up this year).... but instead, about our Savior's birth.
I've caught myself hearing stories of His birth, seeing a moving video or photo about the true meaning of Christmas and over and over...
I give thanks. I say "AMEN!" in my head and sometimes, out loud.
I've stuggled more than I have in my life with my faith this year and still do. It's SO huge. Especially now....
Was born... like so many other children are, every day...
But he was born for a purpose.
HE was born to save us.
To save me.
Later, he was persecuted.
He conquered death and rose from the grave.
Ascended into heaven to prepare a room.
And when the world is no more,
(or at least my life)
HE is there waiting for me.
Seated beside our Father.
And I will live FOREVER.
Doesn't that blow your mind?!?!
It's crazy actually.
It's so far-fetched, so not of this world. I can't even fathom it.
But it's the greatest truth there is.
....so maybe it IS the MOST wonderful time of the year after all.
Despite everything else... a baby changed everything.
Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, my Savior. Thank you, Lord!
Suddenly, I'm not quite as 'tired' as I was. :)