Friday, June 4, 2010

Show Us Your Life Friday and a little reflection.....

My goal of this blog was to actually keep it up. Sadly, judging from the date of the last post… that didn’t happen. Oh well! No one reads it anyways… so it’s almost like my own personal diary. Like I am 11 again and have a 5 cent lock. Well no, nothing like that… this is the internet after all. I went back into my “file” and found out what today’s “Show Us Your Life” was, from Kelly’s Korner. You know, the one I mentioned in one of my first posts, with the intent to do it at very least, weekly?

June 4th: Share your proposal story. I’ll share, if you’ll indulge me.

Less than a year into Chris and I dating, when I was moving out of my dorm at A&M (my freshman and only year) my parents stayed at the Best Western, Chimney Hill. As we were leaving their room, we passed a suite. The curtains were drawn open and we saw a huge jacuzzi in the corner and a little faux fireplace. Ever since… I wanted to stay there. No, it wasn’t extravagantly expensive or looking back, ‘classy’ really… but it was nice and I knew it was something feasible for our little income. Fast forward to February (insert date I can’t remember here) 2005. Chris came home from work, the night shift at 7:00 am. He attempted to sleep but was tossing and turning and finally got up and said he had to go. He was gone all day, randomly checking in or swinging by… acting weird. He told me he had gotten us a room at BWCH, and we’d have a nice evening. I was excited! While my tiny apartment was nice and cozy, it sometimes is nice to just get away. He talked on AIM for awhile, and left again. I got nosey and looked at the log of what he and one of my best friends, Lauren has talked about. “I’m going to propose to Erika tonight.” What!?!? I got excited and while I was reading the words on the screen I really did not believe it. He told me to be ready at a certain time. I was. Lauren came over during and when I arrived out of the bathroom, hair soaked… they fell quiet. “He’s not doing this. He’s going to chicken out” I thought. Suddenly, Lauren had to go, right then, to a basketball game. I gave her the Erika Inquisition and she held on well, I must say. I finished getting ready and we walked to the car. Chris’s phone rang. He mumbled about a microwave, so I asked… “oh that was Dad” he said. “Wanted to see if we needed a microwave.” Mmmhmm, okay. Funnily, I remember what I was wearing. A green tank top (yes, in February) that I wore a lot because quite honestly, it made my boobs look good. Jeans, and little strappy heels with different colored flowers on them. What was Chris wearing? I know it was a colored shirt. Anything else, I have no idea. We circled the hotel MULTIPLE times, Chris making up lame excuses the whole time. Which sadly, I bought. I was in such denial. We arrive. As I walk in the door, I see candles, rose petals everywhere. The jacuzzi filled with bubble bath and champagne. My favorite flowers, gladiolas on the table by the faux fireplace burning brightly. As I walk around the room and thank him for the romantic setting, he asked me what the bathroom looked like. I look and explain and he pretends to be interested in the kitchen area, opening the fridge, opening the microwave. Soon he corrals me to the middle of the room and hugs me and gives me a kiss. I tell him thank you for everything when he steps back and begins the decent to one knee. He said something really sweet. I do remember that. Exact words? No. I was in the middle of freaking out, I couldn’t process much. I did manage to begin shaking violently… managed to hit him… and say no! no! But… in the end, as you all know… I said yes. I still remember looking down at him, I can see his face. I love that face. Well, nothing romantic about it… I called Lauren and told her to come over and help me drink champagne. She, after all, WAS the one who made the room so pretty. She told me that she went to Albertsons and began throwing stuff in her cart. When it came time to be carded for the champagne, she had to explain, and they let her have it. She did a great job! I called my parents… our friends… Chris called his. The ring actually didn’t fit… he got it in such a hurry and they had one size, so I really didn’t get to wear it for almost a month!

Ahh... that was a nice walk down memory lane. Fast forward to 2010… present day. I look back at that night and those times with happiness and sadness. While there are things I would never want to go through again, things that happened in those years in our lives… I do miss that. Since I feel like it is really just me seeing this… I need to vent. The past year-year and a half has been such a struggle. Just four years in… hard to believe. The church job takes up so much of his time, in addition to his regular 8-5. We’ve grown apart, instead of closer. We’ve drifted, we’ve fought, we’ve quit trying, we made our own lives, in this hole, in this rut. I know Chris loves me. I do. Thing is, for the first time really- I was the one who had questions. I never really went through that when we dated, during our engagement…. But just four years in… I’ve found myself wondering. It makes me feel awful. I try to be honest with him, but I know it hurts him. I love him. But the question was…. Am I IN love with him? I haven’t been sure for awhile. He says he is trying. I don’t see it. My heart aches so much sometimes. Sometimes… I feel nothing. I’m tired, I told him. My issues with depression don’t help. I go in these dark times. Sometimes they are for a few hours, sometimes a week, or as in last year…. Months upon months. Even sitting here now, I can say the spark is gone. 98% gone, that flame.

So what do you do?

One of the reasons (among MANY) I took the church job, as secretary was the belief that it would help us. It would allow us more time together. Boy, was I wrong. Between both of us being workaholics, control freaks, and a little too eager- we spend more time up here. Thing is, one of the things I always loved about Chris was his compassion, his willingness…. But it’s the very thing I often find myself resenting. I realized, that my best friend, the one whose arms made everything better became empty.

Last Sunday changed a lot of that. Well, in two ways. That morning, I watched my husband, my best friend (deep down) get installed as a minister in our church. I literally, beamed with pride. I was actually surprised how proud I was. I mean, I knew I would be… yes. But not the true way it affected me. I cried, something that shocked me even more. In that moment, I fell in love all over again. That evening though… the outside stresses got the best of us. We had an argument, again. Finally, I broke down. I broke down some of the things I needed to let out. To my surprise, Chris asked me… “when I return from Mission Trip next week… will you still be here?” Sadly enough, the thought of packing up in that week had crossed my mind. I replied that yes, I would still be here. And I will be.

It’s so funny how songs can describe so much. Three I’ve found myself turning to in this strain are:

But he don't feel the same
Since our lives became
Years of bills, babies and chains
Home ain't where his heart is anymore
He may hang his hat behind our bedroom door
But he don't lay his head down to love me like before
Home ain't where his heart is anymore
If foundations made of stone can turn to dust
Then the hardest hearts of steel can turn to rust
If he could only find that feeling once again
If we could only change the way the story ends
And he may still come home
But I live here alone
The love that built these walls is gone


Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, you believed in me
I believed in you
Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?


I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks
I miss my friend


I still get down about it all… I want to work at it. Thing is… I don’t see myself with anyone else. I don’t want to be with anyone else. Maybe it was appropriate the “Show Us Your Life” was about my proposal story. It made me think of that fire we had. I trust that while it may be embers… it’s still burning… and that certainly counts for something.